6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
What the hell happened in there??
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest