hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I really had high hopes for this year though
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job