[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I needed a laugh this morning.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.