Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer