People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me, flirting😏
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.