[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
😂😂😂
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.