Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.