The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.