oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
#SaturdayBears
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.