*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
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Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’