Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?