do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.