So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
yall want some gasoline milk
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Finally! 😈
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Somebody call the cops.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!