Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The days of good grammer has went
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
put ‘er there pardner!
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.