the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco