Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
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3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.