2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots