7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat