What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.