Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.