when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.