me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
He a real one for that
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest