I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response