Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C