I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.