Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
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Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”