Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
plant them where lol
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?