Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.