GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?