*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I thought this was funny lol
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs