If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
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Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.