Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My mother’s maiden name is Password.