Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Can’t. Being lazy.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*