You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.