There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus