[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
this is me