Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
This line from Airplane.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I have many caverns
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.