Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.