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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Geez man, take it easy.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.