I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
You Might Also Like
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.