My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.