I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?