Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
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Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you