At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
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The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.