Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.