You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
You know…for fall…
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top