“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I would like even faster food.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: