What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.