Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 馃槄
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
If u see me talking to myself don鈥檛 say nun to me I鈥檓 having a staff meeting
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 馃槗
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I鈥檓 a quick thinker you know.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: