Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie